i'm dreaming again...

i was hoping for a nice warm shower after training, but the heater wasn't working, so i was freezing. its at times like this im glad im in singapore.

and for the whole of the year, i really have no idea what i've been chasing, but i'm tired.
at least i noticed a trend, when i'm doing well and all, i hardly stop to write, in my diary, here, or even to spend a lot of alone time thinking to myself. it just all happens in one whirl of a fast paced dance and the music just sweeps you along, and on and on and on we go... till the music suddenly dies out, and everyone around fades out...


actually, i really like the feeling sometimes.. of being by myself and taking lots of time off to think and dream, and have a period of solitude.

when i say solitude, i don't really mean shutting people out or being an anti-social of course. it's just that in the very innermost circle of my social life, there's just me, and God. and i dont really have people that i don't 'schedule' in.

for example, i schedule in meetings, trainings, appointments, meet ups with friends, chit chats. and when i'm done with all that, i can retreat into my own place, my own world, and its nice sometimes not to have anyone whom i have to/ want to be with when i'm doing nothing. when im doing nothing, im really just doing nothing now (:

it's really nice actually. i know i prob sound a bit strange, but yea, some me time is very good for my soul i think.

and yea, when u don't have someone or people you automatically go to when ur free, u really realise that a lot of chance chit chats or chance encounters are very rewarding. and full of love.


i can't even count the number of wonderful conversations i've had with friends recently, they're wonderfully rich, and flavorful, just like hot liquid chocolate (:

like i had a wonderful conversation with a friend today, who happens to be a christian, while we shared a hot chocolate, and it was wonderfully wholesome, and rich and alive, and it was like the hot chocolate went into my heart and soul too, and i felt warm and safe.


i really don't know how to explain this, but i feel that this is a season of solitude which is very good for me. my soul has been too hurried, troubled and tired out over the year... to the point that i've created trouble for myself. haha




i want to lie under clear blue skies and watch the clouds roll by

i want to sleep under warm sunshine

i want to make vanilla crepes that smell of wholesome butter and milk

i want to pat a small furry animal

i want to smell a rose

i want to read a poem

i want to curl up in bed on a cold day, with a hot chocolate and marshmallows, and read a classic novel

i wanna eat a pie and drink tea





don't these things sound so quaint, familiar and whimsical?

what have I been doing all year? striving to be a better dancer, giving myself grief over my skin, getting worried and anxious and upset at people around me.


i realised.

i have not been at rest the whole year.

now i finally feel at rest, at though i've been a little bird, desperately flying through a crazy wind, and my wings have been beaten sore, my feathers ruffled, and i've finally fluttered down to the ground, and landed in a soft patch of moss, and i'm tucking my head under one wing, and resting.






and naturally, in times of solitude and quiet, and classical music playing, i tend to be pensive. not necessarily a deep sorrow, but a more surface feeling i guess, thinking over life in general and all the dreams that i'd put aside when i tried to be realistic.

its nice to dream again. (: dream of snow covered forests, and log houses with a warm hearth, dreaming of golden wheat fields, and rolling hills, green pastures, a quiet lake...

dreaming of things larger than myself, and my surroundings...





but best of all, i've realised...




well... i have three more dance performances/competition lined up.. and then i told partner i'm gonna take a break for a while...

and im cancelling one whole month of viva training as well (; haha, sometimes having some power is not a bad thing (;

and i'm gonna rest... i'm gonna take myself to a calm place, where i don't have to rush around doing things and meeting deadlines. and i'm going to meet people i love, some of them are coming home from overseas soon and i'm happy to meet them soon (:


i'm going to take long meals, and long walks, long sleeps, and i'm going to spend days reading, perhaps writing if i feel like it, i'm going to watch cartoons and old movies, and i'm going to spend time with my family. one good thing that came out of this is that my family is currently relatively united and there is an outpouring of love to each other. haha, its nice and sweet.
we're gonna set up the christmas tree and lights, and create the warm glow that comes from within.


i'm on my way back to the start to find myself again (: